Fun Things to do at the Mall
Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the
Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if
they make your butt look big.
Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully
volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "MY SHOELACES!
Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether
inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them
Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger
But save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that
they're, "astronaut food".
Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and
white and insist that it's a color set.
When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see
Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of
Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion
dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
Test mattresses in your pajamas.
Test waterbeds in full soccer gear.....including cleats.
If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance
camera for an hour
while rocking from side to side.
Sprint up the down escalator.
Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other
shoppers whether they, too, can see the, "hidden picture".
Ask appliance personnel if they have a combo
Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a
particular saw cuts through bone.
At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on
and whether there's much meat on them.
Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray
them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store,
insisting that you lost a contact lens.
Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties
matches the color of your beard.
In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice,
"I see London, I see France..."
Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of
and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
Play the tuba for change.
Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards,
and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold
"give you a really wicked buzz".
"Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the
fake fireplace display.
Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as
Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to
push you around in it.
Change every TV in the electronics department to a station
showing, "Saved by the Bell".
Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on
one of the sets.
Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant
and scornfully announce that none of them are, "leakproof".
"Play" the demo modes of video games at the
arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up
Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to
provoke arguments over whether they're real.
If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
Answer any unattended service phones that ring in
department stores and say,
"Thank you for calling Pizza Hut, home of the Big Foot. May I take your order
Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally
pausing to scratch yourself.
At the hairdresser, ask to have the hair on your back
Show people your driver's license and demand to know,
"whether they've seen this man."
Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen
minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue