Rodney Dangerfield "I Get No Respect" 1-Liners

A girl phoned me the other day and said..."Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning...put on a shirt and abutton fell off. I picked up by briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born...the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father..."I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...But he still pulled through."

My mother had morning sickness-after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father...He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost...I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him..."Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said..."I don't know kid...there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.